…and this title reference is now completely obsolete since R.E.M. are no longer a band.
2012 has been the butt-end of jokes, and also the biggest fear of the gullible, since someone decided to bring up the Mayan calendar years ago. 2012 is the end of everything; the end of us, the end of the world, and the end of the Nolan batman series. Surely this is bad enough, right? The cash-grabbers in Hollywood didn’t think so. Hollywood as a whole gets a bad name. Not every Hollywood movie is made to get money or to promote something. Sometimes, Hollywood movies are genuinely made to further extend ones love for film making, and to tell a story to an audience. That’s incredibly hard to believe when you get the slew of lights-camera-excrement thrown at your face annually. What exactly am I referring to? Well, the movies that are made just for the sake of money. The higher ups in charge of these lobotomizing torture devices like to pretend that there is more to the scheme than greed by making sequels or including “nostalgia factor” (when, by the time the company’s out of money and are finalizing their money-earning plan, the generation targeted will have no connection to the “nostalgic” factor of the movie whatsoever. See Double Dragon). With these five horrendous films coming out within the first few months of the year, let’s get the end of the world over with, shall we?
Now before I start, you will probably ask “Hey, snob face, how do you know the movie is bad before you have even seen it?”. Fair point, as the weatherman is sometimes wrong. But I’m allowed to hypothesize, right? Plus, let me give some reasons because, as they say, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
Beware, my cynicism will be arriving in 3, 2…-
5. Battleship (may 18th)
Firstly, yes, this is a movie about the Milton Bradley game. That game where all you did was set up various sized boats, called out random numbers and hoped that you’d hit the boats on the other side of the miniature wall. This proves to be a good enough plot for a movie because, hey, if Michael Bay can make movies solely about blowing shit up, why can’t anyone else? Secondly, the plot is about a naval fleet that comes into contact with… get ready for it… aliens. I can’t make this stuff up. The board game is so simple in nature, and these clowns cannot even stick to the basics of it? I know it’s hard, as stated, to make a movie over something so astoundingly vapid, but at least make it about a war, or, hell, make it about kids playing the stinking game and the game comes to life (ala Jumanji). In fact, I’d rather it be about talking ships that float around in the water until they get attacked by large plastic pegs falling out of the sky. That would make more sense than bloody aliens. What will make this movie earn money, though? Its cast. Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, Alexander Skasgard, and Liam Neeson (a guy who used to care about what he acted in). This is the lowest on the list because, as stupid as it may be, at least it hasn’t been done before (how loose those words are).
4. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (February 17th)
Seriously, how is Nicolas Cage still an A-List actor? Whatever, this isn’t about him. This is about an incredibly bad movie, that was terribly received, and its “how the hell did that happen?” sequel. One of the things that made the original so annoying was how none of us cared about Johnny Blaze. He was supposed to be cool and macho ala Tony Stark (without the fortune), but he came off as nothing more than a snot thanks to Cage. Now, it is incredibly difficult to make a comic into a movie for the most part, because some things are just meant to be only on paper and not on screen. Last year, Green Lantern was that movie, where we didn’t care about it because, hey, Hal Jordan’s ring can make anything, so there was no sense of dread in the movie. With the first Ghost Rider, what seemed to be awesome on paper turned into hilariously cheesy on film. Cage’s screams and chain whip attacks were beyond horrible, but they provided some good comic relief instead of showing a tortured-but-tough anti hero (which is why the sequel is only fourth. Gotta love Nicolas Cage losing his shit). What seems even worse is the new story about some kid who gets possessed, which we have seen a thousand times before.
3. Underworld: Awakening (January 20th)
This we have also seen way too many times. At least Kate Beckinsale is the main character this time around (unlike the third film. Seriously, there’s going to be four of these now?). So the plot is the same old story. Fighting vampires and all that good, recycled fun. I don’t even know what to say here, because I’m pretty sure you’re on the same wavelength with me. I’m stunned that there’s another when the other three were so poorly received. I guess the action scenes (as useless as the majority of them are) kept people coming back, so hey, why not make more of these until this franchise finally goes six feet under? And as irritating as this is, that’s why this film isn’t the biggest annoyance coming our way. At least it is visually pleasing, right? If a film is going to be repetitive, we may as well be taken on a visual ride. It’s like that time your mom or dad accidentally broke your n64 so, before you notice, they take you to a theme park. You are amused, but you know this is just a cover to hide something ugly. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen to you (or me), but you still got the idea, right? We’re not done with sequels yet, but let’s PLEASE take a break from them.
2. The Three Stooges (April 13th)
Just… look at the picture on the right. My God. How out of place do they look? Why the hell would they make a three stooges movie? The Three Stooges were funny back in their day because of their slapstick comedy and their stupidity-made-witty. Just do yourself a disservice and look at the trailer. It’s appalling. The play fighting and mishaps that seem so natural in the original sketches look so forced and shoved in; You’d swear the film would explode. The humor seems to be not only lacking, but completely missing. In fact, I’ll do us a favor and refer to this… “remake” as The Three Morons from now on so you don’t think I am bashing the funny original trio. The Three Morons has no relevance today, either. Do you think any of the kids or teenagers (who this is targeted to) grew up with The Three Stooges? Absolutely not. Who of that age will go watch The Three Morons thinking “man, those were the days. I’m so glad this is out”? Zip. All of the toilet humor, just in the trailers alone, is lovely because it’s never too late to hold on to your dignity, right? As if they haven’t ruined the legacy of one of the most famous comedy groups of all time, they actually have the nerve to include the entire cast of Jersey Shore into the movie; Another group of dead heads that made it big for being incredibly stupid (except the original Three Stooges were kidding). After the travesties of Garfield, Marmaduke, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Yogi Bear, Scooby Doo, and the Smurfs (along many I’ve probably forgotten), do you think the filmmakers behind this movie are going to take you (or the subject they’re taking from) seriously? Sadly, I am not against reviving the past and the nostalgic. It could be done so well and with such grace. Instead, these higher ups (somehow) are using other franchises to gain their own money simply by name, as they rush out the worst of scripts just so they can finish shooting and editing the movie that same week. Do you think they care? They do not, but sadly, there’s one more spot on the list. What could be any worse?
1. Scary Movie 5 (April 20th)
Let’s get this over with. Basically these guys are the worst at making parodies since… Ever. They don’t satirize the material they “mock” more than they simply just reference it while creating stupid situations. For example, with Epic Movie, they never made fun of Jack Sparrow for who he was. Instead they put a terrible Jack Sparrow imitator into stupid situations. These bozos, with no concept of what a parody is, will not quit, will they? You gotta love how greedy they are. They stuck to their Scary Movie formula until four movies in, where they decided “Hey, we’re running out of things to reference on top of our poop and dick jokes! Why don’t we attack other genres?”. So they made Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Meet The Spartans, Vampires Suck and so on and so on and so on an-… Once people started realizing how incredibly stupid these films were, what a surprise, back to the Scary Movie series to make enough money to go on with their newest idea “Zombies Blow” (I’m just making that up, but I wouldn’t be surprised). Do I need to explain to you why this is an unnecessary sequel? Do I have to spell out why this is detrimental to our intelligence? Do we not deserve more respect as an audience? There is such thing as a good comedy, as proven by the many decent-to-wonderful films last year, so it’s not the genre at fault. What is at fault is the money driven goblins that keep creating these films for themselves and not for us, which is why this is probably the film that will make the world end before December 21st.
I swear I’m a generally happy guy.