Monday Review: Batman and Robin

Finally Monday is here. Honestly, who the hell gets excited for Mondays? They’re the worst days of the week. So why not celebrate them with the worst films of all time? What’s that you say? That would make Mondays the worst film days of all time? What a great idea! Every Monday, I will make your day worse with the worst of the worst worst of all worst. Oh, sorry. The worst films of all time. Let’s begin with our first entry for


Batman and Robin

Rating: 0.0/10

Yeah I decided to start off with a popular one.

See that poster? No word of a lie, that poster hung on my wall for years when I was a young boy. I remember being just old enough to watch my first live action super hero movie. It came out on video cassette and my family and I watched it in our tv room. I remember the best bits, like that dog being frozen as he pees on the hydrant and… That’s it. I promise you that was all I remembered growing up.  I always thought it was because I had a bad memory as a kid. Now I realize that I was only saving myself.

I just knew that I loved this film as a kid for some reason, and when I was older and heard that this was supposedly the worst superhero movie of all time, I could not believe it. No way. Not this film, where a dog peeing on a hydrant and being frozen meant more to me than The Goonies, Full House and even Parappa the Rapper. Okay, now I’m exaggerating, but in all honesty I knew that that film meant a lot to me as a kid. Instead of feeling blessed, I decided to watch the film again as a young adult a few years ago. I don’t know where to begin. I really don’t.

I really, really don’t.

"What's the matter? You frozen? You just read this in my voice"

Okay, that’s a good idea. Let’s start with the useless beings we are forced to call our characters. Each of them spew out one liners like they were Carrot Top’s back up writers with Tourette’s. The worst is Mr. Freeze, played by Arnold Schwahwhogivesashitenator. Arnie turns the iconic scientist into a dense, dimwitted, unfunny moron as he stomps around and barks puns about ice and the cold everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our comic relief: A blue, metal, talking dildo whose batteries are short circuiting.

Sadly he’s not the most disappointing character. Could it be the whiney Robin who never shuts up about how he hates being second fiddle when he should be grateful anybody even cares about his puberty-hitting ass? Nah, I had a feeling he would be annoying (but his attempts to be cool, yelling Cowabunga and the like, were not expected). What about Poison Ivy? No, not really. I mean, she’s one of the weakest characters in Batman history so it’s obvious that she wouldn’t have been that great (still, Uma Thurmon could have pretended that she wasn’t trying to overdose on morphine before each shoot. We know how hard it was to work on that movie, but come on.)

John Travolta knew that, given Uma's circumstances, that this would be the one time to not get the shot.

Is the most disappointing character then batgir-okay I’m not going to finish that statement. No, the disappointing character happens to actually be a two way tie. First off, Batman himself. Batman, played by George Clooney, is an unimaginative, uninspiring plank of wood in a cape. Unlike Arnie, you can’t say Clooney’s performance was bad, because there wasn’t a performance. Clooney simply didn’t try or even care. He’s gone on to say so numerous times. That’s a good start, isn’t it? To have a lead that doesn’t even have faith in his own film. I mean, would you? The set looks like it was lined with gummy bears, the lighting is more obnoxious than glow-in-the-dark highlighters, the costumes are beyond ridiculous (seriously, nipples and cod pieces on your suit? Why are those practical? Does fighting against Mr. Freeze-never mind), and the special effects are about as special as that gold star you got from your teacher for cleaning your own piss off the floor in kindergarten.

Want to play “spot the green screen”? You can’t with this film. Not because you can’t spot any, but because you’ll lose count. It’s actually nauseating how many times you are able to make out the green screens because of pixels, lack of perspective, terrible camera angles, and just overly awkward acting in relation to the screen itself. If that’s not annoying enough, how does a whole plethora of other noticeable mistakes sound? Want rubber set pieces to be knocked into (like rubber icicles and statues)? You’ve got it! What about strings? Do you like being able to see how the actors are being held, destroying the illusion entirely? Are you kidding, why wouldn’t I? The only remotely decent special effect is the destruction of a gigantic building, but even that doesn’t warrant any form of points on the rating scale simply because it did nothing to save the film. In fact, it made me want to cry because of how much money was wasted in order to save a train wreck.

Oh goody. Stretch Armstrong's moronic nephew, Doughy Dumbass.

The other most disappointing character, of whom I tried to forget about by going off topic but failed, is Bane. Bane, who is arguably the most powerful Batman villain in existence, is pathetic in this film. Not only is he a henchman (or a bitch), but he’s Poison Ivy’s henchman. How much lower can you get? Oh, you know, you could make Bane a complete idiot who can’t function by himself. Yeah, good one Schumacher. Oh, in case you didn’t know, Joel Schumacher is the idiot that killed the Batman film franchise until Christopher Nolan had the courage to bring it back up again. You know what the worst part is? We haven’t even gone over the terrible story, which is probably the worst part of the film, and I’m already running out of horse tranquilizers.

The story is not only anti Batman, it’s anti living. Batman was made to be a dark, trouble bound crusader through Burton’s films, that innovated the direction of action films (much like what Nolan’s series is doing for us now). Schumacher, the genius himself, decided to go backwards and make two films (Batman Forever, the most generous of warnings) that related back to Adam West’s brain dead comedy wreck television series. The jokes were torture, the acting was horrendous, and the colours were blinding. Since I’ve covered all of these, what made the Adam West show even worse? The bland story. The story that featured no personal gain or correlation to either Batman or to us. We just could not care any less for the outcome. That’s exactly the situation with Batman and Robin.

"Holy terrible innuendos, Batman!"

The villains in Batman and Robin are all fueled by what they want. Mr. Freeze wants to save his wife, whom we have little introduction to and don’t care about (why would we? Freeze is nothing but a jerk, and an unfunny one to boot!), Ivy wants to be in control for once after being an unlikeable nerd (still, she remains unlikeable though), and Bane wants to be a mobile, veiny bouncy castle and can we blame him? So our villains warrant absolutely no sympathy and are two dimensional. What about our leads? Same issue. Batman is bland and too cheery, Robin is a whining child, and Batgirl is so uninteresting, it’s as if she didn’t even exist.

Robin wants to be loved and so he cries about it. Mr. Freeze wants to take over Gotham city so he laughs about it. Really, it’s a mad house of annoying imbeciles.

I don’t know what else to say. There’s absolutely nothing worth liking about this film. Scroll back up. Scroll back up this enormous wall of furious text. See that poster? The one I looked up to as a child? Watch Batman and Robin now that you are older, and you will only be looking up Joel Schumacher’s unimaginative,  money grabbing ass. It’s a gigantic advertisement for toys nobody wants. Nothing more, nothing less.

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